November Mailbag: Post-CMA Edition

Staff | November 30th, 2009

What does an invitation to the CMA Awards look like?
It has a picture of Taylor Swift with the words “Come see Taylor and some other people perform!” underneath. — Sam

No idea. The CMA has yet to recognize the “interwebs” as a viable media entity, thus haven’t approved our credential requests. — Pierce

Who was the surprise guest on the CMAs?
Viewers. — Stephen

Country music. — Ken

Jamey Johnson, who the CMA paired with country radio stalwart Kid Rock. — Jim

Why did LeAnn Rimes look bad at the awards show?
It was the scarlet A across her chest. — Ken

Why hasn’t Kellie Pickler had any wins at CMA?
Because the organization that voted Taylor Swift as the Female Vocalist of the Year still has some standards. — Sam

What has Brad Paisley done that would get him nominated?
He single-handedly is making sure country fans under 20 years old know who Little Jimmy Dickens is. — Sam

Not one other artist has courageously tackled the gritty underbelly of the dangers of frolicking in tick-infested forests like he has. — Ken

How big is Taylor Swift’s fan base?
Not very large, considering most of her fans haven’t hit their growth spurt yet. — Sam

Pre-VMAs: a few million. Post-VMAs: everyone but Kanye. — CMW

It’s not that large, really–she mainly relies on the air conditioning on her bus. – Karlie

How old is the girl playing in Jake Owen’s “8 Second Ride?”
Old enough that she shouldn’t be too impressed about an 8-second ride. — Sam

Over eighteen because sixteen will get you twenty. — Ken

What does Jake Owen’s “8 Second Ride” mean?
It means his woman ain’t satisfied. — Stephen

It’s the second of the two new theme songs for Disneyland this year, the first is “2 Hour Line.” — Ken

It means that writing hit songs is a hell of a lot easier than it used to be. — Jim

What does the song “People Are Crazy” mean?
Manipulating old people to steal their money is both easy and profitable. — Sam

What does Jennifer Nettles dislike?
Former band members and lawyers. — Sam

Stretch pants shortages and terrain inhospitable to giant hamster balls. — CMW

Those awkward moments between asking Brooks and Dunn to come say a few words onstage at the CMAs and receiving the silent evil eye from Ronnie Dunn. — Karlie

Why is Sugarland a vocal duo when the guy doesn’t sing?
He may not sing a lot, but Kristian Bush’s role in Sugarland (standing out of Jennifer’s spotlight and strumming his guitar) is too important to be overlooked. — Sam

There are many things a person can contribute to a duo besides singing–a love for fedoras, ridiculous quotes for the media and red carpet arm candy being just a few. — Karlie

Because Taylor Swift is more friendly and political–thus has the female vocalist award wrapped up for the rest of her career. (*Secretly hoping for a call from Taylor now that I half-heartedly criticized her*) — Pierce

Who says Kristian Bush doesn’t sing? His contribution to “Love” was indispensable. — Jim

What the hell is Tim McGraw “Southern Voice?”
A reasoned argument for the superiority of all things Southern, many of which actually aren’t. — CMW

A marketing ploy. — Stephen

Hell if I know, dude. — “Will” Faulkner

What is Chris Cagle’s last name?
Believe it or not, Cagle is actually his middle name. His last name is Exercise. — CMW

Who it was she never found in me?
The man you want to be (a strong man, an admit when you were wrong man, a less grammatically awkward man, etc.) — CMW

What is symbolism in country music?
You didn’t think that song was really about a big green tractor, did you? — CMW

What type of education did Kellie Pickler receive?
She received her education from the streets–of Sonic, that is. Whoever coined the term “school of hard knocks” must’ve also fallen a time or two on roller skates while delivering Cherry Limeades to guys in jacked up trucks. — Karlie

Who wings the sone “I Need You Now?”
Aady Lantebellum — Stephen

Better yet, who the hell says “wings the sone?” — Ken

Can women over 60 still be attractive to men?
Yes, ever since Emmylou turned 60. — Stephen

“Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.” — Dolly Parton

Why is Nashville Star no longer on the air?
The same reason Melissa Lawson never was on the radio. — Pierce

While they had the Nashville part down well, they never quite managed to master the Star part. — Ken

The show’s star-making power (Brad Cotter, Angela Hacker, Melissa Lawson) proved so great that the Nashville establishment had no choice but to shut it down for fear of obsolescence. — CMW

How can a tired single mother do it all?
She goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper/And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day.” — Mick Jagger/Keith Richards

Who the heck is Gloriana?
I don’t know either, Lady Gaga. — Juli

What other old Spanish song sounds like “Toes?”
“Mi Asno Es Atascado En La Arena” — Ken

  1. Steve Harvey
    November 30, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Yes, ever since Emmylou turned 60. — Stephen
    My god yes.

  2. Emgee
    November 30, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Yawn. More bitching and moaning from the elitist bastards who don’t like the progression of Country Music. Hey, 9513, don’t you feel hypocritical when you criticize music for being, in your words, “the same old song”?

  3. Filipino Kid
    November 30, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    What the hell is Tim McGraw “Southern Voice?”
    A reasoned argument for the superiority of all things Southern, many of which actually aren’t. — CMW

    – i think due to the south’s history of being a (majority but not all)racists, modern southerners are doing everything to redeem that stain in their history. Thus name checkin’ Aretha Franklin and Billy Graham.

  4. kim
    November 30, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Oh, come on. This is funny. Loved the Kellie Pickler one.

  5. Stormy
    November 30, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    I liked the Chris Cagle one.

  6. agent713
    November 30, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    What the hell is Tim McGraw “Southern Voice?”
    A marketing ploy. — Stephen

    Hence why Taylor Swift’s first single was “Tim McGraw”. Ladies and gentlemen, we have come full circle!

  7. Josh
    November 30, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    What does Jake Owen’s “8 Second Ride” mean?

    It’s the second of the two new theme songs for Disneyland this year, the first is “2 Hour Line.” — Ken

    Hardy har har! :D Disneyland and Six Flags are a waste of time…literally. But soooo much fun in short spurts.

  8. CMW
    November 30, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    When I first glanced at Josh’s comment, I misread it as ‘Disneyland and Six Flags are so much fun in short shorts.’

  9. J.R. Journey
    November 30, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    So I had to use Google translate for the last response … Great stuff, guys.

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