Mailbag: Who Sings Like Dead Flowers?

Staff | June 1st, 2009

Is Big Kenny a preacher?
Yes–he’s an ordained minister in the Universal Church of Love. – Jim

Who sings like dead flowers?
Rascal Flatts. – Karlie

Who is the girl Gary Allan is dating?
Her name has not been released at this time, but we can reveal that she wears a size five mini-skirt. – Brody

What was the song “Angle’s Hands” by Rodney Atkins meant for?
It’s a tender ballad Atkins wrote for his 11th grade trig teacher, comparing her love to the law of cosines. And just wait until you hear his take on the Brahmagupta Interpolation Formula. Rowr. – Juli

What does “I Run To You” mean?
It’s a love story about two triathletes. – Pierce

Was Darius Rucker ever in Sister Hazel?
We try to keep The 9513 family friendly. – Brody

Look at what you’ve done, Karlie. – Pierce

Who wrote brother Dean Brody why he?
A mind is a terrible thing to waste. – Brady

What is a song that is country and is about home?
My Hometown Sucks

What are three interesting facts about Carrie Underwood?
[crickets]

What, no takers? I guess her fan club is rather intimidating. – Brady

What is the current deal between Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton?
The current deal is a contractual agreement by which it is directed that Mr. Shelton will provide Ms. Lambert with tender loving affection; as remittance for Mr. Shelton’s considerations, Ms. Lambert agrees that she will take no actions upon his person which could be said to have been inspired by any of the characters or incidents in her music. – Jim

When does Nashville Star start again?
When NBC gets its very own government bailout. – Brady

What is the meaning of the song “Here Comes Goodbye?”
It means that American Idol castoffs get preferential treatment when pitching songs to Rascal Flatts. – Jim

How is “Man In Black” a protest song?
It’s a radical statement of independence from Will Smith proving that he wears the alien crime fighting, summer blockbustering pants in the relationship. Take that, Tommy Lee Jones. – Karlie

How does he have aces when I have kings?
Because today is just not your day. – Jim

Johnny Cash, why isn’t he a Hall of Faith?
Despite what may be considered by some nuanced spiritual beliefs, most would agree with Johnny Cash, at least later in life, was in fact a Hall of Faith. — Jim

Why do people keep insisting Taylor Swift can sing?
Because she’s like, totally awesome! OMG! – Jim

How old is Joey + Rory?
Joey + Rory = 2 x Taylor Swift + Miley Cyrus + Miranda Lambert – 5. Approximately. – Juli

How is Kellie Pickler’s song about Pearl Jam?
It’s good–although someone had to explain to Kellie how they are able to get the pearls so that they can be spread on toast. – Jim

Who wrote “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus?
Bob Barker. He was inspired by The Price is Right’s Cliffhanger game, and he knew Miley was born to sing the part of the mountain climbing yodeler. – Karlie

How to play “She’s Country?”
I actually think the more relevant and helpful question would be about how not to play “She’s Country.” – Jim

Why was Reba not at George Strait’s Artist of the Decade concert?
She wasn’t there? Hmmm. “Strange.” – Karlie

How to play “Out Last Night” by Kenny Chesney?
I actually think the more relevant and helpful question would be about how not to play “She’s Country.” – Jim

What happened to the last winner of Nashville Star?
What happened to any winner of Nashville Star? – Jim

Who did Taylor Swift write “Horse” for?
That guy she was playing hoops with on the playground. Taylor Swift has a mean over-the-shoulder bank-shot. — Jim

Why hasn’t Tim McGraw put out a new record?
Curb has been forcing to McGraw to secretly record a new album every month, although they will only release them when the stars align and the moon is in the correct phase. – Jim

Who sings the song “Amanda?”
A man, duh. – Brady

I can’t believe Brady just went there. – Jim

Which country had a golde age?
Denmark. – Jim

Is Alabama going to be good this year?
After a disappointing end to 2008, the Tide should be hungry coming into ’09. Unfortunately, with a mass exodus of key position players, Coach Saban is likely to be in rebuilding mode and the SEC will be as tough as ever. Pretty random question for a music site, although, former Crimson Tide QB John Parker Wilson could probably get a record deal based on his boyish charm and three-part name. – Pierce

What does Randy Travis like to do in his spare time?
Count his “I Told You So” royalties. – Jim

Gary Floater, that’s when the eagle screams.
The fieldmouse is fast, but the owl can see at night. – Jim

Why is “Eight Second Ride” on both of Jake Owens’ albums?
Because Jake Owen’s first two albums both needed songs about hookin’ up in the back of a pickup truck. – Jim

What does Dierks Bentley mean by “Sideways?”
He wants to get you drankin’, shawty. – Jim

How do you get started in country music?
Seek out the most run down, smoke filled honky tonk with chicken wire stretched in front of the stage and play there seven nights a week to pay your dues. Remember, you have to keep on playing no matter what happens. Insider Tip: To get on the fast track, build your own bar and invite the local prison to come watch your show. You’ll be bigger than Garth Brooks in no time. – Brady

What kind of hat does Kenny Chesney wear?
Kenny wears many hats as a musical artist. There’s the “Beach bum country singer” hat, the “Poet inspired by the Caribbean” hat, the “Always ready for a party by the shore” hat and the “Steel drum aficionado” hat. Okay, so he only wears one hat. — Karlie

What are the chances of a guy that’s not famous getting with Taylor Swift?
Uh oh, Taylor might need to place a call to Gary Allan’s lawyer… – Pierce

HaHa! You have me like ROFLing! – Jim

What happened to Rosanne Cash?
After undergoing brain surgery in 2007, Cash wrote a handful of articles for the New York Times music column “Measure for Measure,” laid a verbal smackdown on John Rich regarding her father’s politics, and contributed “Song with Rose” to the Elvis Costello album Momofuku. She’s currently working on new album, called The List, based on a list of 100 essential songs Johnny Cash gave her when she turned 18. – Juli

  1. Tristan
    June 1, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Who wrote “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus?
    Bob Barker. He was inspired by The Price is Right’s Cliffhanger game, and he knew Miley was born to sing the part of the mountain climbing yodeler. – Karlie

    ~x~ Ha!

    How old is Joey + Rory?
    Joey + Rory = 2 x Taylor Swift + Miley Cyrus + Miranda Lambert – 5. Approximately. – Juli

    ~x~ Ok, what?

    How to play “She’s Country?”
    I actually think the more relevant and helpful question would be about how not to play “She’s Country.” –Jim

    How to play “Out Last Night?”
    I actually think the more relevant and helpful question would be about how not to play “She’s Country.” – Jim

    ~x~ Nice Jim!

    Who sings the song “Amanda?”
    A man, duh. – Brady

    I can’t believe Brady just went there. – Jim

    ~X~ Ok, that’s my favorite.
    Great job you guys! This was hilarious!

  2. Nicolas
    June 1, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    I love Kellie Pickler, but even I thought that one about Pearl Jam was hilarious <3

    I like the one about Miranda Lambert agreeing not to inflict anything on Blake Shelton inspired by her songs xD lol

  3. Kim
    June 1, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    Maybe potential boyfriends of Taylor Swift should get a similar contract only have it stipulate that she not prolong the “breakup” story for her own publicity/concert attractions for any longer than 1 month.

  4. J.R. Journey
    June 1, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    Great edition. I especially like the Kellie Pickler, Miley Cyrus/Bob Barker and Nashville Star answers. This is without a doubt my favorite feature on this site,

  5. Steve Harvey
    June 1, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    This is brilliant – the 9513 does really offer all things for all people.

  6. Stormy
    June 1, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    How to play “Out Last Night” by Kenny Chesney?

    You sit in a group and tell stories about what you did when you went out last night. Whoever has the best story takes a shot. When you are drunk enough to sleep with Kenny Chesney you win!

    KIM:
    http://www.last.fm/music/Amy+Rigby/_/Cynically+Yours?autostart

    I think you’ll like the spoken bridge.

  7. idlewildsouth
    June 1, 2009 at 10:38 pm

    Now yall have me hankering for the fall football season! Roll Tide.

  8. Trailer
    June 1, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    What surprises me most is that some of those people know how to send an email.

  9. Kim
    June 2, 2009 at 10:47 am

    Thanks for the tip Stormy!

  10. Ben Milam
    June 2, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    i fail to believe that these letters are real. there is no way anyone would want know how to play a kenny cheeseny song, unless they were in his band.

  11. Nicolas
    June 2, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    ^ Hilarious typo, Kenny Cheeseny xD

    I don’t believe they’re fake, but Idk why fans send these to The 9513… they’d be more suitable to the fanclubs of the respective artist or something

  12. Brady Vercher
    June 2, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    I think it was explained in a couple of previous mailbags, but the questions come from the search queries people use to find The 9513 and they are all real. Occasionally, we do feature actual emails.

  13. Nicolas
    June 2, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Oh, ok =)

  14. Stormy
    June 2, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    Kim: She is one of the most hilariously honest singers out there.

  15. Ben Milam
    June 2, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    Nope. No typo.

  16. Mirandas2cool
    June 2, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    Wow, these never fail to make me laugh, great job guys!! ;)

  17. mille
    November 19, 2009 at 11:22 am

    “The current deal is a contractual agreement by which it is directed that Mr. Shelton will provide Ms. Lambert with tender loving affection; as remittance for Mr. Shelton’s considerations, Ms. Lambert agrees that she will take no actions upon his person which could be said to have been inspired by any of the characters or incidents in her music. – Jim”

    Win.

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