Mailbag: Who Did Kenny Chesney Take to the Grammys?

Staff | February 28th, 2009

Who sings “That’s what brothers are for?”
Nashville-via-Canada Broken Bow recording artist Dean Brody, but only after one too many Moosehead Lagers. – CM

Who plays guitar for Chuck Wicks?
A player who, having chosen consistent employment over artistic satisfaction, consoles himself nightly with the fact that at least he’s not One Night Rodeo’s guitar player. – Ben

How many Grammys does Alison Krauss have?
26. That’s one for every year of Taylor Swift’s life with enough left over to match the number of people who aren’t creeped out by Bucky Covington’s mustache. – CM

Who sings “I am a country boy?”
Alan Jackson’s extremely proper cousin. – Karlie

Who sings “Telluride?”
Tim McGraw, though Josh Gracin is also known to do a mean karaoke version of it. – CM

Who wrote the song “Pray Out Loud?”
Someone who hates Jesus, quality music, and the non-bleeding eardrums of radio listeners everywhere. – Juli

Why does Taylor Swift call herself the scarlet letter?
Presumably because Taylor Swift is an adulteress. – CM

Homeschooling? — Ben

What is the theme of “Picture to Burn?”
Boys. And how stupid boys are! – Jim

What does Kristian Bush contribute?
Distractingly prominent vocals tagged onto the ends of songs and a certain indefinable creepiness factor. — CM

Kristian Bush is single-handedly making fedoras acceptable headgear in Nashville. The unfortunate part of that, of course, is that in a few years we’re going to have to deal with a massive influx of fedora-wearing, guitar strumming copycat “hat acts.”– Jim

Who was Johnny Cash’s first wife?
Vivian Liberto, mother to Rosanne and three more Cash children. — CM

You know, everyone likes to celebrate the Johnny and June marriage as country mythology, but his marriage to Vivian Libretto is a much better country story. Johnny and June were two rich superstars who got married and lived happily ever after. Meanwhile Johnny and Vivian’s marriage was tested by ambition, infidelity, and drug abuse, and despite her continued love for him, a love that predated and wasn’t predicated on his success, the marriage ended and Vivian wrote in her book that throughout her life she never stopped loving him. Now that’s a solid country love story. – Ben

Where are Caitlin and Will?
On a radio tour promoting their first single, “Even Now.” – CM

Who did Kenny Chesney bring to the Grammy awards?
If we consider the Fame-Score Equation to be exponential and factor in that number 100 was 8 years ago before he won most of his awards, then subtract the week he became a hermit because of the dissolution of his marriage, we can conclude he must have taken Miss 1,271 to the Grammy’s.
Note: The equation doesn’t factor in the Age and Baldness Correlations and their impact on the allure of fame, nor does it consider the the rise of immorality. However, we can confidently determine that Chesney is behind Walt’s Curve.
Note 2: Kenny Chesney doesn’t actually exist; he is just a figment of Lady Goodman’s imagination. – Brady

One of the 2,000,000+ girls that can attest to the fact that he’s not gay–if ya know what I mean. “You should hear about those long, hard, sweaty summers back when I first started touring,” Kenny said. “Man, those were the days. I was batting more than A-Rod. Yeah, even better than that tanned, ripply muscled slugger. What?! No, I swear, I’m not gay!” – Kenny Chesney

Note 3: Lady Goodman doesn’t exist either. Lady Goodman is a pseudonym used by Holly Gleason. – Jim

Has there ever been a female country Entertainer of the Year?
Listen, I’m not gay, okay? — Kenny Chesney

What is Miranda Lambert purchasing with Blake?
Pants. For her to wear in that relationship. – Jim

The 9513’s Mailbag is published at the end of every month. The questions that appear here are real questions posed by our readers.

  1. David Nisbet, Scotland
    February 28, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    Why do people hate on Taylor Swift & Jessica Simpson?

    Jealousy.

  2. Nicolas
    February 28, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    The final question about Miranda Lambert is hillarious! It’s something I would imagine to be true lol

  3. Jim Malec
    February 28, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    Yes, David…we’re all very jealous of Taylor and Jessica. You figured us out.

  4. Stormy
    February 28, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    Hey man, I really do wish I was the ex who make Nick Lachey look classy.

  5. J.R. Journey
    February 28, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    Hilarious. Loved it.

  6. Chris D.
    February 28, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    Wow. That was great.

  7. Leeann Ward
    February 28, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    “Who sings “Telluride?”
    Tim McGraw, though Josh Gracin is also known to do a mean karaoke version of it. – CM”

    “Has there ever been a female country Entertainer of the Year?
    Listen, I’m not gay, okay? — Kenny Chesney”

    Hahaha

  8. J.R. Journey
    March 1, 2009 at 9:40 am

    The female Entertainer of the Year question was my favorite too, Leeann. :-)

  9. Jon
    March 1, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    “Who plays guitar for Chuck Wicks?
    A player who, having chosen consistent employment over artistic satisfaction, consoles himself nightly with the fact that at least he’s not One Night Rodeo’s guitar player.”

    I hate to admit failure, but I gave myself a generous amount of time in which to think of some other lame attempt at a joke that more perfectly combined ignorance, pretentiousness and just plain (to use Jimmy Martin’s word) stupidy than this one, and I just couldn’t.

  10. Jim Malec
    March 1, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Well, I guess we’ve done our job.

  11. Leeann Ward
    March 1, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    “I hate to admit failure, but I gave myself a generous amount of time in which to think of some other lame attempt at a joke that more perfectly combined ignorance, pretentiousness and just plain (to use Jimmy Martin’s word) stupidy than this one, and I just couldn’t.”

    So, I take it you don’t like Ben’s answer?

  12. Hollerin' Ben
    March 1, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    I hate to admit failure, but I gave myself a generous amount of time in which to think of some other lame attempt at a joke that more perfectly combined ignorance, pretentiousness and just plain (to use Jimmy Martin’s word) stupidy than this one, and I just couldn’t.

    that’s why I get paid the big bucks.

    but seriously, I work with musicians who pass up opportunities like “you wanna play guitar for Chuck Wicks?”. On one hand it’s crazy because those are the kind of gigs that actually pay good dough, on the other hand it’s their prerogative to play music they think is worthwhile.

    side note, were you with Chris Jones in Holland and Norway a couple summers ago? If so I totally met you in real life.

  13. Jon
    March 1, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Yeah, that was me – you were with Moot, right?

    It’s fine for someone to pass up a gig playing music they aren’t wild about for that reason, but I don’t see why it isn’t equally fine for someone to take a gig playing music they aren’t wild about with the thought that they will get something worthwhile out of it musically anyhow. Heck, for that matter, I don’t see why it isn’t fine for someone to take a gig playing music they aren’t wild about simply to make a living. People take other kinds of jobs they don’t like for that reason all the time. And, of course, there’s always the possibility that someone likes playing some music that you don’t like to hear. From the outside, you can’t tell which is the operative principle, so why get on their case?

  14. Hollerin' Ben
    March 1, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Yup, that was me with Moot.

    “From the outside, you can’t tell which is the operative principle, so why get on their case?”

    because I’m always broke and it’s consoling to make fun of musicians who have good gigs playing ridiculous, terrible music.

    joking aside, I don’t begrudge Chuck Wicks guitar player anything, I’d imagine he views it as just a job and I’m sure it’s a good one as far as jobs go. But when you play guitar for Chuck Wicks (or in One Night Rodeo’s case release the song “Alive and Living”), I say you’re fair game to be made fun of.

  15. Jon
    March 1, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Chuck Wicks is fair game to be made fun of, the guys in his band, not so much.

  16. mirandas2cool
    March 1, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Too funny!

  17. Billy
    March 1, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    Love this:

    How many Grammys does Alison Krauss have?
    26. That’s one for every year of Taylor Swift’s life with enough left over to match the number of people who aren’t creeped out by Bucky Covington’s mustache. – CM

  18. Deb
    March 1, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    Kenny took his girlfriend Amy Colley Miss Tennessee 2005. If anyone really cares.

  19. Rick
    March 1, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    Great job as usual guys, but the lack of a reference to “AirHead Country” was a tad bit disappointing…(lol)

  20. Cardsgal
    March 2, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Snarky much? Yes. Funny? Absolutely. I don’t think any of us would be on this site if we acually listened to Chuck Wix. Although I must confess that I still feel fondness for Chesney’s Capricorn record – it was good.

  21. Kim
    March 2, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    Glad to know I’m not the only one that thinks Blake is a candy-ass.

  22. Leeann Ward
    March 2, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Who sings “I am a country boy?”
    Alan Jackson’s extremely proper cousin.
    ” – Karlie

    Funny! Missed it the first time.

  23. Lady Goodman
    March 2, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    The guy from Sugarland wears the hokey helmet gear to cover the monk like hair-do nature has blessed him with. I’ve seen him without the hat. Looks like a trench-coat wearing perv. Very creepy!

    The sales of Love on the Inside coming up short by alot from Enjoy the Ride must have someone at Mercury on the unemployment line for granting them carte blanche in the creative expression dept heh?

  24. Lady Goodman
    March 2, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Chuck Wicks surprised me with Dr. Pepper. The chin strap had me guessing his endorsement would come from the Hair Club for Men.

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