Mailbag: The Stalker Edition

Staff | July 29th, 2009

Where does Gary Allan Herzberg live?
Katherine Walker, you really have to stop writing into The 9513. — Ken

Your IP addresses have been logged, and Gary’s lawyers will be contacting you shortly. — Andrew

Does Gary Allan Herzberg have a girlfriend?
Really Katherine, you just need to realize, Gary’s just not that into you. — Ken

Miranda Lambert, love is what I’m taking.
Then Blake Shelton’s fist is probably what you’ll be receiving. — Karlie

Are you sure you don’t want to trade love for an English class? — Ken

What does Taylor Swift think of Tyler Dean?
OMG WTF This guy is, like, a total creeper. — Andrew

Guess how old Miley Cyrus is to win money.
Guessing how old Miley Cyrus is always leads to problems. — Jim

16! Yes! Man, between this and the 13 million United State Dollars which I’m being given by a Nigerian princess (inherited from her late father deposited in my local bank after I give them my bank account number), I’m going to be rich! — Ken

Why can’t I buy Jessica Andrews everything?

Well, Marcel, not enough people know your last name, which means your music isn’t selling, leading to limited cash. As every NBA player would tell you, your brand just ain’t workin’. — Brady

Why did Renee Zellweger leave Kenny Chesney?
She clearly has an aversion to Pirates. — Kelly

Did Taylor Swift steal “Love Story?”
Yes, along with a few other books from the Nashville Public Library. They threatened to revoke her check-out privileges and drama ensued, causing her to take revenge with a new song “Library Card to Burn.” It will be available as an added track on the upcoming Special Deluxe Bonus Edition of Fearless. — Karlie

Of course not–the tale of two young lovers kept apart by their parents is an entirely original concept that has never before been set to paper or tape. — Jim

Does Carrie Underwood use autotuning?
No she is completely natural, just like Kellie Pickler. — Ken

Who sings with Reba every other weekend?
Ronnie Dunn. Reba and Kix Brooks have joint custody, you know. — Juli

What song in country music is about a woman who is sick with cancer?
Sorry, you’re gonna have to narrow that down. — Kelly

“That Thang” puts the “ass” in “metastasize.” — Juli

Who is a bigger fool: the fool or the fool who follows him?
A foolish fool fools his foolish followers…wait, is this about Tyler Dean? — Brady

Why doesn’t radio play Red Dirt music?
Not enough songs about cancer. — Kelly

It’s a pain to clean the transmitter afterward. — Andrew

Je ne sais quoi?
Sí. — Karlie

What is the meaning of the song “Joey” by Sugarland?
It’s Jennifer Nettles, Kristian Bush and fellow songwriter Bill Anderson’s touching tribute to kangaroos. — Ken

What is the chorus of “Country Boy?”
Trite, uninteresting, and repeated four times too many. — Andrew

How to talk like Dolly Parton?

It’s easy. Establish eye contact during a conversation and try like hell to maintain it. If they look at your chest, you’ve talked like Dolly Parton. — Ken

What are some country songs about war and stuff?
Like, dude, there are totally a bunch of them, man. — Jim

What happened to Sammy Kershaw?
He actually exists only in an early ’90s time warp, where high-waisted Mom-jeans are universally worn, Saved By the Bell is the only show on television and “Working Woman’s Holiday” plays on a continuous loop. (Also known as my own personal version of heaven.) — Karlie

Who sings “It’s a Business Doing Work with You?”
Tim McGraw’s label owner, Mike Curb. — Ken

Who is singing with Jennifer Nettles on the song “Love?”

Robby Takac of Goo Goo Dolls — Jim

Why would people’s senses appeal to Taylor Swift’s songs?
Because they smell like money. Lots and lots of money. — Ken

Why would syntax to people’s senses appeal? — Jim

Who sang “Golden Ring” with George Jones?

Smeagol and the Hobbit Five. — Ken

What hurts the most on The 9513?
Getting assigned to review “What Hurts the Most.” — Karlie

Knowing that every day I break the heart of another country music starlet. — Jim

  1. Ben Milam
    July 29, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    butt pirate

  2. Dan Milliken
    July 29, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Not such a big fan of the Katherine Walker jokes, to be completely honest. She’s obviously not well; it seems like a cheap shot to single her out for mocking. Nothing against anyone, just my opinion of those specific jokes.

    This is always fun, though. The responses to the “woman who is sick with cancer” question are amazing.

  3. J.R. Journey
    July 29, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    I think the disturbed are fair game for satire myself.

    Better edition than usual this time too.

  4. Rick
    July 29, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Taylor Swift uttering or texting “WTF” is about as likely as Rahm Emanuel NOT using the “F word” in a sentence containing three or more words! Just ain’t gonna happen…

    “Best Answers” Award goes to “Did Taylor Swift steal Love Story?”. I’m suspect about the “Library Card To Burn” comment as most of Taylor’s fans likely don’t know what a library card is.

    Jim Malec said: “What hurts the most on The 9513? –
    Knowing that every day I break the heart of another country music starlet. — Jim”. Jim, this is obviously an gross overstatement! I’d say its more like three or four times per week on average…(lol)

  5. Brady Vercher
    July 29, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    Well damn, does that mean we’re not allowed to pick on Chesney, Dan?

  6. Nicolas
    July 30, 2009 at 12:50 am

    This is a hilarious mail bag! xD

    My favorite is the Miranda Lambert lyrics one =) Karlie’s response is absolute gold lol

  7. melissa
    July 30, 2009 at 9:14 am

    I’m not a fan of the Katherine (Kate) Walker “jokes” either. I’ve met her through a couple of Gary concerts, didn’t know just how bad off she was…only that she clearly had/has an alcohol problem. She knows she has a problem too, so at least there’s that to her credit.

    Haven’t talked to her in a couple years or so but even then a few select group of women kept saying un-called for mean things about her, and probably still do. She has a very scary family background too (I don’t mean mental illness, I mean she’s been through a lot). I’m sure that didn’t help not push her over the edge. However disturbed, she has a very good heart and I hope she’s not reading this.

    p.s. She obviously KNOWS where he lives, BTW. So that’s not even so creative. ;)

  8. Leeann Ward
    July 30, 2009 at 9:34 am

    I’m particularly amused by Karlie’s and Juli’s answers this time around.

  9. Juli
    July 30, 2009 at 9:45 am

    I’m suspect about the “Library Card To Burn” comment as most of Taylor’s fans likely don’t know what a library card is.

    C’mon Rick, give some credit to the teenyboppers of the world…it’s like Netflix, but for books, right? Unfortunately, the following Fail blog message makes no reference to musical tastes, so you’ll have to find a different source to confirm your hypothesis ;-)

  10. Karlie
    July 30, 2009 at 11:02 am

    Juli–that’s hilarious.

  11. Dan Milliken
    July 30, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Chesney is fair game, but no McGraw. :p

    That is a very troubling link, Juli.

  12. lma
    July 30, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    what is the name of that song on sirius country radio about ‘just keep on walking, don’t look back or the devil will know you’re there?? or something like that?

  13. Brady Vercher
    July 30, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    lma, that sounds like Rodney Atkins’ “If You’re Going Through Hell.”

  14. lma
    July 30, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    thank you Brady

  15. Robert
    August 25, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Come on guys! review love & theft’s album! i dare you!!! and try not to like it while you;re at it!!! i can only imagine the review now..

  16. martha
    September 20, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    let me at her ass shes a stalker and she better back off and leave gary alone.
    kat you havent seen crazy yet until you met me,
    does that tell you something.

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